Lessons I Learned in Italy
Being in Europe has really shown me how much confidence and feeling comfortable in your surroundings go hand in hand. Since arriving in Siena, I’ve really had to take a step back and reflect on my thought processes and my own internal biases. I felt much more out of my comfort zone than I had expected, particularly as it pertains to race, and I wasn’t sure how to cope with the feeling. So many emotions and assumptions were running through my head on a daily basis that it was hard for me to really appreciate this once in a lifetime experience.
When I’m home in America (never realized how much it really is home until now), I pretty much know what to expect in any given setting. I know what parts of the country, which states, which cities—sometimes even which streets—to be careful on. I know where people who look like me are few in number and where people’s curiosity and/or hostility is likely to be heightened. In Italy, I didn’t have the slightest clue. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t expect to hop of the plane and find myself in Chocolate City, but I also wasn’t expecting what I ended up getting either.
The moment I stepped off the plane in Bologna, I was greeted by the most intense staring I have ever experienced in my life. Now, I’m no stranger to the “double take.” Let’s face it, a brown skin black girl with short blonde natural hair isn’t exactly American pie. But this was WAY different! I’m sure some of it had to do with the fact that I was completely frazzled after 10 hours of travel—with several more ahead of me—no means of communication (either electronically or verbally) and probably the fact that I was a woman traveling alone when most people were in groups. But I also know for certain that it also had a lot to do with the fact that I was the single speck of blackness in what felt like an overwhelming sea of whiteness. Because I spoke zero Italian (I know about 10 words now), I tried to smile and connect with people on just a basic HUMAN level, but I got nothing in return. Europeans, in general, have much less expressive demeanors than Americans. Think New Yorkers on Xanax. Lol. But at the time I didn’t really know that. All I saw were expressionless faces with eyes that felt like they were burning holes into my flesh. Seriously. One guy even went so far as to, once he passed me and I was no longer facing him, turn around and walk backwards so that he could continue to stare it me. My level of discomfort shot through the roof! In America—besides the fact that staring is considered extremely rude—I almost certainly would have been able to decipher whether his actions were intended to be flattering or hostile. In that situation, I was clueless. He didn’t speak (even if he had, I wouldn’t have understood him). He didn’t smile. Hell, he didn’t even blink! What’s a girl’s supposed to do with that?!
The staring didn’t stop in Bologna. In fact, once I arrived in Siena, it got WORSE—as hard as that was for me to believe. Again, people didn’t speak. They didn’t smile. They just stared. Some even whispered as I walked by. And trust me, even when you don’t speak the same language as someone, you know when they’re talking about you. At one point, it got so bad that when we would go out, my classmates would stand in a circle around me just to shield me from the glaring eyes of the crowd. Some moments I thought I would cry. And I HATED myself for the vulnerability I felt in those moments. Who was this weak, seemingly insecure girl that was inhabiting my body? I didn’t know her and I didn’t want to know her!
For the next couple of days, I put on jeans and a simple t-shirt, very little makeup and did my best to make myself invisible. I just wanted people to stop f*cking looking at me! I’m not some rare zoo animal! I could feel myself growing angry and hostile and I was so disappointed, because this was not how I imagined my summer going AT ALL. After about a week of “hiding,” and realizing that I wasn’t enjoying myself, I decided enough was enough! I was done being a wallflower. I was done being invisible. 1) I paid WAY too much money to be here and not have a good time. 2) I don’t allow my blackness to make me feel small and unwelcomed anywhere else. I’ll be DAMNED if I was going to do it here!
The next morning, I woke up, put on the leggy-ist outfit in my suitcase, a little black lippy, and turned the streets of Siena into my runway. Almost immediately people’s demeanor around me changed. They still stared. But now it was almost as if they felt inconsequential. For the first time, I could read something in their eyes. It was awe. Sometimes, perplexity. But always intrigue. I just smiled and mentally patted myself on the back. “You want a show? Well, here it is baby. Take it all in.”
In the weeks since, I’ve noticed that because I’ve refused to wilt in their presence like I did that first week, it’s not as easy for them to dismiss me. They tell me I’m beautiful (in Italian). They speak to me when I enter the room. Even buy me drinks at the bar. Lol.
People often ask me, “How is it that you’re so confident?” and I often tell them that when you love yourself, everyone else will follow your lead. For a second here in Italy, I forgot my own words. I let the fact that I was in a new place cloud that lesson. But now that I’ve given myself a much needed kick in the butt, I’m excited to see what else I learn in the time I have left here in Europe.
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Maryana July 17, 2014 at 8:06 pm
Amazing post! Confidence isn’t something permanent.It’s something we have to build and rebuild everythime.Above all, when we are on a holtile situation.I’m black girl with natural hair too.Last year I did my BC , and it was the year that I started on college,which is a predominant white ambience – what is usual in my country.I wasn’t used to my new hair or being the only black girl in the class.So I had to learn how to stay confident, and how to feel comfortable.It was a thing that I had to work hard inside my head, and once you are fine with yourself, no one or nothing can put you down.It’s sad that thing like that still being a issue.
Julie O July 10, 2014 at 6:32 am
Hey! Great post. I just discovered your blog a few days ago and love it. Your hair too!
I have the same sorts of experiences coming from Kenya and studying in South Africa. Even though I’m surrounded by other black people there just seems to be a divide. Could be because I’m from a big city and now I live in a population 1 million metropole and have an air of big-city confidence about me- and also do lots of things on my own- but letting people’s stares and whispers ruin my day is something I do struggle with sometimes. At the end of the day I try hard to remember what you’ve said in this post; don’t worry about them.
If it’s something to watch they want, that’s what they will get because that’s what I’ve decided to make my life 🙂 keep rocking and enjoy the rest of your travels! Ur always welcome at my blog- http;//frameambition.blogspot.com xx Julz
Aldininika Darensbourg July 9, 2014 at 10:30 am
You are awesome Great and inspiring thank you for posting this!!
sonda June 29, 2014 at 11:50 am
Thanks for sharing I recently moved to Australia for school and been here a month , I haven’t been myself and been feeling lost .
Tomorrow I’ll take your advice and wake up my old self back
Blake Von D June 30, 2014 at 5:06 am
I’m so glad that you’ve found this helpful. I’ve heard very interesting stories about the race relations in Australia. I hope that things getting better and you find your footing very soon! Sending you lots of love. 🙂
The Broke Black Chick June 27, 2014 at 10:27 pm
I loved reading this. Your confidence is very inspiring.
Gillian June 24, 2014 at 9:58 pm
Thanks for sharing. This was beautifully written and so enlightening. I glad to see you worked your way around it and regained your confidence. Kudos.
Joaquin Medina June 24, 2014 at 12:47 pm
Great written! I loved reading this. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. Sending love and positive vibes from PR!
marthadahhling June 24, 2014 at 5:35 am
Ahhh Well Done honey! This was such a lovely read. I’m looking at doing a year of study in Barcelona and I’m about to head over to Europe for 2 weeks of travelling, I’ll need to remember not to let people’s stares and ignorance dim my light <3
theseventhdistrict June 23, 2014 at 12:00 pm
Your words are touching. I feel inspired.Thanks for sharing this Blake! Enjoy the rest of your time in Italy!
Addy June 23, 2014 at 11:00 am
It’s a matter of perception girl and I’m glad you turned their you guys around a and turned the streets into your runway! How we percieve the reactions from the outside world is dependent on the internal dialogue we have with ourselves… Same situation- two differe t perceptions and you are guaranteed two different results! Be safe at all time where’d you travel but bare in mind that you are first a beautiful human being before you are a beautigul black woman! let others judgemntal looks or comment espcially if its negative- not take of your precious time and consideration! pay attention only to the beauty inside you and around you!
BTE June 23, 2014 at 10:38 am
This was beautifully written. I often find myself struggling with people stairing at me. I always feel like I have to be doing something to distract my self from it; playing on my phone, drinking water, oh look suddenly there’s something in my eye. I’m slowly overcoming it and this certainly helped with that.
Thanks 🙂
Me June 23, 2014 at 9:46 am
This was my exact life last year and I wasn’t even outside of the country! When I moved to upstate NY last year, I had the same exact experiences, down to someone turning around to walk backwards and stare at me. It’s a small town with not many black people and I was a black girl with huge hair. They would never say anything, smile or nothing, but they were so obvious about it. It took my a few months to get myself together, though. My self esteem was taking a hit and I even left the mall one day to go cry in my car. It was bad lol. But, now, I’m like forget it. I know which looks will make people stare the most, but I go out with my head up. Now people do compliment, start conversations, etc.
millennielle June 23, 2014 at 8:01 am
Loved reading this! Growing up, I lived in Europe for 10 years, so I know what you mean about the staring… it’s just not something Americans do at all! I’m glad you worked through it and regained your confidence!
I love these shots too!!! I’m currently looking to add a wide angle lens to my photography kit — what wide angle lens do you use?
xo, coco | MILLENNIELLE.COM