New Year, New Me?
Raise your hand if you felt personally victimized by 2023? 🙋🏾♀️ I actually have both hands up. Because when I tell you 2023 beat me tf up…I mean it! It’s Friday so I’ll spare you the details. But I know without a doubt that I don’t ever want a repeat of last year. In fact, if we could never mention the numbers 2-0-2-3, in that order, ever again that would be great.
But in an effort to ensure I have a much better year, I really had to do some reflecting on what that means for me and how best to go about achieving that. My top priority on that list is learning to better manage my anxiety.
TW; anxiety, childhood abuse
I’ve always been a pretty anxious person. Although, it’s only been in adulthood that I’ve been able to recognize it as actual anxiety versus just “worrying”.
Growing up in foster care, I learned that “worrying” provided me with a sense of security and safety. It helped me not feel overlooked and forgotten about, because if I was constantly worrying about my own needs and survival it meant (in my mind) that others would have to do the same. You know…”the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” And frankly, it served me well. I wasn’t forgotten about and statistically speaking I’ve had an outcome that eludes most foster youth. But in recent years, it’s become all-consuming.
During the pandemic, what used to just be worrying and chronic overthinking morphed into something much more debilitating. Panic attacks, dizziness, racing thoughts, not sleeping, nausea and some days a dread that feels so heavy it’s hard to even get out of bed. With all of that came the diagnosis of severe anxiety.
Mixed Media Trench Coat – Simkhai
While it felt “good” to finally have a name for this “worry” that I’d been experiencing my entire life, I needed to learn how to manage it. One day my therapist said something to me that all but changed my life in the moment. She said, “Blake, you’re operating in survival mode. But you’ve already survived. Maybe it’s time to start living?”
That hit me like a ton of bricks! Because she was right. I was constantly in survival mode. Although I had perfected this thought process as a foster kid, it started well before that. As a young child, I experienced severe physical abuse and studies show that is the perfect breeding ground for developing an anxiety disorder—mostly as a means of survival. We learn to be hyperaware and hypervigilant in order to avoid future abuse. And again, it served me well. But now I have to learn how to process the world through a different filter. One that doesn’t constantly put me in fight or flight mode.
Now, I’ll be honest with you, it’s been years since my therapist spoke those words to me and I haven’t quite figured out how to live vs. survive. It’s a constant work in progress. But I’m determined to take major steps forward in 2024.
I closed out 2023 by taking a hiatus from social media (another major source of anxiety for me given that it’s my job) and really try to find my center again. Taking that time to myself and honestly to stop feeling all of my feelings so intensely ALL. THE. TIME gave my brain the rest it needed and allowed a lot of my physical symptoms to subside.
I don’t know that I’ll ever been anxiety-free. Just the thought feels foreign and unfathomable to me. But I know there are practices I can put in place to help alleviate the intensity of my symptoms while I’m still learning to manage my anxiety. That includes being mindful of the images I consume via social media, eating healthier, being physically active, and maintaining a more disciplined routine that allows me a healthier sleep schedule. *she says at 3am as she writes this post* Again, a work in progress. But the point is…I’m doing the work. That’s progress.
You’ve already survived. Maybe it’s time to start living?
Comments (26)
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AS January 8, 2024 at 3:17 pm
Thank you so much for sharing, and for your vulnerability, Blake! I hope and pray that 2024 is a year of living and of moments that fill up your cup. Always rooting for you!
Ayb January 7, 2024 at 10:15 am
Started following your blog before IG ever existed. Just checked and confirmed IG is 13 years old. Where does the time go? Some of it goes in the trash! Because there have been lots of ups and downs. But so glad you’re still here. Thanks for the post!
Stef Parrott January 7, 2024 at 8:46 am
Love this Blake. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability. Wishing you the best, and rooting for you, always.
MR January 7, 2024 at 1:20 am
It’s 1:19am as I type this. I’ve shared with you the similarities between you and my husbands childhood. I literally told him tonight he’s living in survival mode. I understand he had to growing up but it’s really affecting our marriage. He believes survival mode allowed him to get through so many challenges and made him the successful man he is today but he admits it doesn’t work in relationships. He’s committed to being consistent with therapy. I pray he does. I’ve been patient and given a lot of grace but his severe anxiety is crippling us. Now seeing this post is God sent. I’ll be sharing this with him. Thanks for always being authentic and transparent and as always I’ll be praying for you.
MR
Alana Lewis January 6, 2024 at 3:15 pm
I had a tough time the past year as well, lots of wins and losses but I def lived! For that I’m better on the other side in 2024. Glad you took time off, you may want to consider an annual shut down time for you and your business. Usually by December I’ve worked enough to take comp and annual leave, some folks are closed Christmas to NY.
KD January 6, 2024 at 9:19 am
This was so insightful for me on a whole different level. Understanding the hold sever anxiety can have on a person. Thank you for sharing Blake as always so giving.
Blake January 7, 2024 at 12:38 am
Thank you for reading and being open
Harper January 6, 2024 at 8:57 am
Thank you for sharing. I know writing can be cathartic. In conjunction with your current therapy, look into an EMDR therapist. It’s intense, and you may need some time off at the end of certain sessions, but it really helped with my child’s trauma triggers and being diligent in what content, people, and things I consume.
With love always, H.
Erica January 5, 2024 at 11:25 pm
Thank you for sharing about this. At 3am, ugh, I can so relate to that. I have so many things I need to do to start living, but I have such a hard time doing things for myself. I constantly feel like I’m about to get in trouble. I’m SO glad that you took time away (which would be terrifying when it’s your job), and that it really helped. I hope that you keep doing that as needed, since you know we’ll all be here when you get back.
Khalilah January 6, 2024 at 12:12 am
I know that feeling of getting in trouble your talking about!
CRYSTAL BURRELL January 6, 2024 at 8:30 am
Thanks for sharing Blake. I appreciate your transparency. I think you’re awesome by the way! I’m going to take “I’m doing the work, that’s progress” with me from this day forward
Blake January 7, 2024 at 12:40 am
Thank you! And that’s honestly the best you can do sometimes and it has to be enough.
Taya January 5, 2024 at 10:23 pm
Blake you are amazing! Keep glowing and growing sis… I’m here for it!
Alex January 5, 2024 at 8:10 pm
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable aspect of yourself. You really did a great job of putting into words what even I myself have been struggling with. Hopefully 2024 is a year of living and thriving for us both
Faith January 5, 2024 at 6:11 pm
This piece is spot on Blake! I’ve lived in survival mode pretty much all my life.. I literally had a conversation with my significant other about having survived the worst..Thank you for sharing! You’ve inspired me to keep living! ☺️
Pam January 5, 2024 at 5:38 pm
That anxiety train is a beast! Add a few stops at perfectionist blvd and you can have a wild journey. I have been there, often, which is the reason your words resonate so deeply with me. I will continue to work at understanding that I have survived. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. I appreciate it on so many levels.
Erica Brown January 5, 2024 at 5:24 pm
Thank you for your vulnerability. Cheering you on while doing the work myself!
Angela B January 5, 2024 at 5:13 pm
As someone also getting a firm hand on her mental health (FINALLY), thank you for sharing your journey. So much of true mental health is still not spoken about openly. Please know you’re appreciated.
Kacie January 5, 2024 at 3:42 pm
This is so relatable. Thanks for sharing with us. Beautiful reflections. I’m cheering you on!
Blake January 5, 2024 at 4:00 pm
Thank you for the encouragement, cousin.
Andrea January 5, 2024 at 12:01 pm
Okayyyy….that line just hit me too! Thank you for sharing your story cuz there are many of us with anxiety and on survival mode.
Blake January 5, 2024 at 3:59 pm
I truly didn’t realize how common it was until I started trying to understand my own anxiety. But yes, there are many of us. It’s not the coolest club to be a part of, but the support is there and we got this!
Sarah vL January 5, 2024 at 11:41 am
Thank you for sharing so openly, Blake! Cheering you on, especially as you help show how many of us that it’s so important to put our own oxygen mask on first.
Yanira Garcia Andel January 5, 2024 at 10:34 am
Baby you hit home. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be anxiety free but I, too, am trying to find my way out of the survival mode because it prevents me from enjoying the beautiful life I’ve created now. One day at a time. We will get there. Just one day at a time.
Ashley C January 5, 2024 at 11:18 am
My goodness. This is deeply relatable.My therapist told me early on in our practice that my anxiety and depression was only fueled by my constant need to create safety and security in my life. And she said to me “you are safe”. She made me realize that I had already created what I was still chasing and in those moments, I needed to remind myself. So I have a daily alarm in my phone that says: “you are safe. Earl is safe. Max is safe.” Thanks for sharing!
Blake January 5, 2024 at 12:38 pm
Same same same. Because there was no point in working so hard to get here if we’re still going to be mentally stuck in the place we were trying to leave.